


Withdrawal, Withdrawal Too, Antidote

by maaaaa



Category: The Sentinel (TV)
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-04-14
Updated: 2020-04-14
Packaged: 2021-03-01 18:07:24
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,588
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23641330
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/maaaaa/pseuds/maaaaa
Kudos: 13





	Withdrawal, Withdrawal Too, Antidote

Withdrawal

~*~*~

He’s addicted, you hear them say, voices echoing, drifting in and out of your awareness.

He’s addicted.

And you crumble, all the bits and pieces of who you are - shattered.

Tears, hot and prickly, burn the corners of your eyes and run ice cold down your cheeks mixing with gooey snot and coppery tasting saliva, drooling no matter how hard you try to stem the flow, across your lower lip and onto your chin.

You pull yourself to your feet, slowly, drunkenly…no, not drunk…wasted, buzzed, and you can’t for the love of god remember how, why.

You inch your way up the padded wall and realize in a fleeting moment of clarity how much you take your arms for granted. You tug futilely, trying to release yourself from your own arms, and a wave of panic slaps you and slaps you as you remember lashing out at voices, blurred faces, and voices repeating help him, don’t let him hurt himself, no blair, we’re trying to help.

The walls aren’t white, they should be white shouldn’t they and you laugh even as you try not to because you know the sound you’re making isn’t humorous. You wonder how you are able to see the urine stains and the vomit stains and the spatters of blood and saliva because don’t they clean this room and scrub it and bleach it and oh please you hope you aren’t responsible and oh please you hope they aren’t from someone else, some poor unknown schmuck who was here before you.

Addiction, addicted, addict. You try to dredge up the thesaurus in your brain that used to be at your beck and call and make sense of the words that have been echoing, bouncing off the walls of the tunnel you’re in. And fragments slide through your mind…craving, dependence, narcotics…and something clicks and then fades and you see yourself from afar, huddled in a dirty alley trying to fight off the shaking and can’t someone please stop the bugs and tiny creepy crawly things from burrowing under your skin.

Jim.

Jim.

He’ll be here soon; you know he will. Time has stopped except for Jim; you measure your days or is it hours, weeks, by Jim.

You look up, you look at the camera and you beg but you know they don’t hear you because they don’t come. Please don’t let Jim see me like this you plead. You’ll be good you promise. You’ll be a good boy you tell them. You weren’t trying to hurt anyone. You weren’t trying to hurt yourself. You’ll be good. You don’t want Jim to see you like this. If he sees you like this, if he sees you like this…

You can see his face, aw chief he’ll say, aw chief. You can see his nose crinkle. Dial it down Jim you tell him dial it down big guy. You know you smell of sleep-sweat and dried salt tears and pee and vomit and his nose will crinkle, you can see all the little ridges and valleys and nooks and crannies of skin. You know it is the smell, you tell yourself it’s just the smell, you don’t believe yourself and you know he tries to hide it but he wrinkles his nose in disgust.

You feel tears again, cold, icy in the corners of your eyes. You blink and blink and you try to stop it but the shaking starts and you bang your head against the wall and you bash your shoulder into the padding and you howl as spasms of pain and need rip through your body. Give me more you scream just a little of whatever your body is demanding and you wonder how you can’t even know what it is that you need but please just a little more all you need is a little more.

You can’t do this you can’t do this you need more you can’t do this.

Yes you can do this you hear Jim say you can do this you hear him whisper in your ear. You feel his arms wrap around you and you feel his strength seep in and you lean into him and you shudder.

You can’t do this you hear yourself tell him. You’re so sorry so sorry you tell him.

Not your fault buddy you hear him say. Your cover was blown remember chief you hear him explain and you try to make sense of the words. You feel him ease down onto the floor pulling you with him to land in a boneless heap of helplessness and need and you try to stop him try to tell him the room is filthy and you hear him say no it’s all right chief I’ve got you chief.

Those bastards did this to you you hear him repeat over and over. When your cover was blown they shot you up, got you hooked you hear him stutter the bastards did this to you. Not your fault buddy not your fault chief you’re the strongest person I know you hear him tell you.

You feel him cup the back of your head nestling it in the warm crook of his shoulder and you know he’s pulled you onto his lap and you feel him rock gently and hum softly as he strokes sentinel-tender fingertips through your hair, massaging your scalp.

You let yourself fall into the safety that is Jim and you let the pain ride itself out on the promise of Jim staying with you buddy we’ll get through this together buddy.

Withdrawal Too

~*~*~*~

He’s addicted you hear them say.

He’s addicted.

And you feel him crumble and you wonder if you’ll be able to find all the pieces and fit them back into place.

You shake your head defiantly as if that act alone will change what they’re saying and you pound your fists against your thighs and you close your eyes, blaming yourself of course. You’re his Blessed Protector you tell yourself. He’s a cop now you tell yourself, a damn good cop, the best. He’s always been the best damn partner you’ve ever had you tell yourself and it doesn’t change the fact that you are still supposed to be his Blessed Protector.

And you knew there were risks, there are always risks and you both knew the risks you tell yourself over and over.

Your chest tightens as you remember the call. Blair’s missing Simon tells you. His cover was blown by a sniveling little weasel of a snitch you hear him say. You can still feel fistfuls of grubby dirty worn out cloth bunched in your hands as you grab the sniveling little weasel and you remember the look on his face as you yank him hard and pull him nose to nose with you. The realization smacks him hard and fast you remember, that his life isn’t worth shit you promise him if your partner doesn’t turn up.

Images blink in and out of your head like a slide show you think. A skanky part of town, a drug lab, featuring the latest designer drug du jour you smell it, taste it. Back rooms, dim lights that don’t stop you from seeing he’s not there, Blair’s not there your eyes lie.

A back door, black against black, you see it, and it’s ajar on rusty hinges you notice. You edge toward it, and as you get closer, closer, you hear it, you hear Blair’s heartbeat and you know it’s on the other side of the door. You kick the door open and the sunlight is unexpected but it shouldn’t be and you squint and adjust your sight immediately just like Blair has taught you.

You see him then, huddled in a ball on the grimy wet pavement of a dank alley next to a smelly dumpster and you dial it down before he even has to tell you and you realize he’s not going to tell you because he’s shaking and he doesn’t recognize you and he doesn’t recognize himself.

You yell and yell. Call an ambulance you yell, officer down you shout as you race to him and you see the shaking and you feel the fear spilling off him and you see the tracks on his arms where he’s been scratching and clawing…

Blair.

Blair.

You pace quickly down the halls and you hear his whimpering and feel him shaking even through the walls that separate you. You hear him begging and you can smell the tears already and you know it’s been another bad day because he’s not in his room. You know what the nurse will say before you ask.

They’ve had to restrain him again they tell you; put him in a straightjacket and you don’t want to hear it and you don’t want to believe it when they tell you he ripped out the IV and punched an orderly.

But then you smile to yourself knowing what a tough little shit Blair can be when he puts his mind to it.

They let you into the padded room because they know there’s no point arguing with you and you’re his partner and you’re his best friend and you are always able to calm him down and get him through the rough spots and it shouldn’t be too much longer they tell you. He’s over the worst of it they assure you.

You dial down your sense of smell before you enter the room, knowing he’ll freak if he sees you wince or wrinkle your nose.

Aw, Chief you say, Aw Chief.

You listen to him say he can’t do this, you hear him beg for more of the drug that almost stole him from you. He slams himself against the wall and you can’t let him do it again so you’re at his side and sliding to the floor with him listening to his litany of apology and self recrimination and you don’t hear it, don’t let yourself hear it. You hear only his need.

You hold him and rock him and you tell him over and over not your fault buddy. You tell him his cover was blown, you grit your teeth and tell him those bastards did this to him. You tell him he’s the strongest person you know and it’s the truth.

You catch him as he falls as you feel the ripples of pain slowly ebb and flow out of him and you gladly take on the pain he shouldn’t have to deal with alone. And you feel it when he finally hears you, believes you, and you give him your promise buddy, we’ll get through this together buddy.

Antidote

~*~*~*~

You know you’ve found most of the pieces.

You look closely at him everyday, you see where the bits and shattered pieces have been carefully, lovingly, painfully at times, put back. You’ve worked hard, you’ve both worked so hard to find all the pieces and you know it hasn’t been easy and he knows it too. You’ve spent hours, days, weeks, my god two months now dealing with the aftermath.

For the most part, you can’t see the seams, the raw edges pushed into place with a frustrated sigh only to slip back out over and over.

You notice small chips missing here and there, a tiny shard missing when you realize he didn’t get the punch line of the lame joke you’ve told a thousand times before and you miss the way he used to roll his eyes and groan and tell you oh man Jim I can’t believe you just said that.

You see a tiny flake of self-control peel off as you watch him reach for a beer and then grab a bottle of juice instead, his fingertips trembling because he wants things to be like they used to be when you both could kick back with a beer and watch a game on the tube but now he doesn’t trust himself, doesn’t trust that there might be traces of the drug still lying in wait to betray him.

And you know his head is pounding sometimes and can you please rub my temples just for a few minutes he asks quietly I don’t want to take any pain pills he tells you and you say of course Chief, no problem buddy, whatever you need and you smile and he smiles back because he knows you mean it.

You notice the thin sliver of control that is absent as his right hand shakes and shakes and oh man Jim he tells you, he can’t make it stop shaking you hear him whimper, can you maybe help me out here big guy he tries not to beg as the razor wobbles close, too close to his adam’s apple. You squeeze his shoulder as you will your heart to crawl back out of the pit of your stomach and you say sure buddy, no problem Chief and haven’t we had this discussion you say gently, you’re not ready yet you tell him and it’s okay you say I’ve got you.

You both laugh and his laugh is nervous, shaky, not the infectious laugh you love and then he says yeah Jim you’re right man, that’s right no sharp objects I’m sorry he repeats one more time I just forgot he tells you, it’s too soon, I’ll try to remember he vows.

The bastards were caught, the bastards that did this to him, you made sure of it, you did everything by the book. And you stood by him as he ID’d the scum, and you were never prouder of him than you were the day he walked into court and put the bastards away for a long, long time. He’s the best damn partner you’ve ever had you tell him, the best damn cop in Cascade you make sure he hears you. And you were at his side the whole time, I’m here Chief you reassure again and again, we’ll get through it together, always buddy, I’m right here Chief you remind him.

You wait and wait for the day when the nightmares will stop, and you kick yourself for the millionth time because how many nightmares has he endured over the years you ask yourself bitterly, how many times since he’s been your partner, your friend, your guide and then you let it all melt away as you comfort him and he comforts you, it’s all right big guy he tells you.

I’m your guide he reminds you as he thwaps your arm, we’ll get through it together, right big guy just like you keep telling me he scolds, and you believe him, because even though you know he can be an obfuscating little shit at times, you know because you’ve learned the hard way, but never again the hard way, that he’d never lie to you and you can trust him and yeah you’re right Chief, you tell him, you’re always right you agree with a hearty laugh.

Your senses come alive then as your guide comes back to you with a laugh as hearty as yours and a mischievous gleam brightens his eyes that you were afraid, oh lord so afraid, you’d never see again and you know things might not be exactly as they were before but you surmise that it will still be okay and you can finally believe it yourself, what you’ve been telling him for what seems like forever.

Together buddy, together Chief, always.


End file.
